蘑菇短视频

From Undergrad to Masters in Teaching

What does it mean to know yourself? This is a question that I found myself asking throughout the past year, as I've been navigating the transition of life stages鈥攆rom my undergrad at 蘑菇短视频 to the master's program. In an attempt to locate myself in all of this, I've reflected on who I have been, and I've tried to discover who I am becoming. I'm supposed to be growing in independence, stepping into the real world. As I contemplated this location of self, I was confronted with some agonizing tensions. I would look to others for the hope of some affirmation of who I was: a teacher commends my risk-taking in a lesson, a friend compliments my passion, my sister affirms my character.

Alas, I find myself not believing them. Rather, I perceive myself to be overly concerned with my image鈥攑rideful鈥攁nd quite frankly, I often feel like a husk of a person going through the motions of life. So which is me here? Am I passionate and a good teacher? Student? Daughter? Or am I a husk of a person performing to get by?

Other鈥檚 Affirmation Versus God鈥檚

In his book Being Disciples, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, explores this unfortunate identity crisis we often find ourselves in. His answer to this question of "which is me?" is rather blunt. He states: 鈥淚 haven鈥檛 got a clue. God has got to settle that.鈥� I don鈥檛 know about you, but that does not necessarily make me feel at ease about this whole introspective debate I find myself in. But he continues: 鈥淲hat does it mean to have my identity in the hands of God?鈥� The truth is: my identity goes beyond what I am able to see or know. In His eyes, I am more than I realize. For good or not, God in His mercy sees me in a unifying gaze of love. He connects all the loose bits of myself that I cannot successfully locate and piece together in the ways that I want to.

Embodiments of God鈥檚 Unifying Gaze of Love

I'll be honest, though鈥攚hen I think about God鈥檚 unifying gaze of love, I am moved. Truly, it sounds beautiful. But at the same time, I'm not quite sure what that even means. It sounds and feels abstract and intangible. And yet, this year the MAT program has revealed that I tend to be oblivious to the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.

The Spirit is moving in the most overlooked moments: 

• Dr. Lindsey Fain reassuring me that the lesson I just taught made her proud, even though I felt completely embarrassed and discouraged.
• Dr. Amy Bagby consistently offering the most sincere prayer over our weary cohort.
• Dr. Jim Drexler practicing his teachings of love and logic and inviting us into his home to share a meal.
• Mandy Sukha, our beloved classmate, getting the cohort to chip in to get treats for a classmate who had had a hard time.

It is in these moments where the Spirit makes tangible this singular gaze of God's love. Moments such as these surround us in our daily lives. There are moments that I am learning to recognize and cherish as embodiments of God鈥檚 tender mercies, which are new every morning. Through these moments, I am emboldened to relinquish this incessant need to have control over knowing who I am. Rather, I can take comfort in knowing that that impossible task is in the capable hands of a Creator who loves and cherishes me. With this freedom, I can step forward into a terrifying new season of life and love my students in the ways I have been delightfully loved and known.

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